In Press Conference Assembled, July 4, 2012:Warning: joke still under construction. Physics of the area definitely uncertified; the entire joke might collapse at any moment. Wear hard hats at all times.
When in the course of scientific events it becomes necessary for one particle to create the mass which attracts one to another, and to assume among the particles of the bestiary the confirmed status to which the laws of science and scientific priority provide it, a decent respect to the opinion of mankind requires that it declare the evidence which compels us to believe in it.
We hold these truths to be evident only through decades-long search: that all particles do not have mass equally, and that they are endowed by the Higgs-Boson with certain variable mass; and that among those particles are the quarks, the leptons and the bosons; that to secure this mass, Higgs-Bosons are distributed among particles, which derive their evident mass from the action of the Bosons....
Happy Independence & Higgs-Boson day, everyone.