An Obama presidency would signal the final salvo by the Left in the culture wars. Obama’s advance troops have already taken over our college campuses, have bound and gagged our conservative professors, have ravished our virgins, have pillaged our stores of wisdom, and have ensconced themselves in the thrones of power in deans’, presidents’ and department heads’ offices. (Emphasis added.)Obviously, a certain misunderstanding about the binding and gaging of conservative professors is at work here -- someone should clue Dr. Grabar* about this whole phenomenon called "bondage". And, of course, I think we all will agree that the image of troops having "ensconced themselves in the thrones of power" at universities is quite terrifying. But what has been most ridiculed is the true but terrifying fact that these threatening Advanced Troops have been ravishing our virgins. This, sadly, is something that some on the left are -- horrifyingly -- taking lightly.
Obviously what is missing here is people's true appreciation for the importance of "our virgins" in the War Against Terror.
This is because people are failing to think the matter through. Obviously Dr. Grabar has learned that "we" -- America? Conservatives? It's not clear -- have a secret store of virgins which are a key component of our success in the current War.
Now, obviously Decadent Liberals will immediately assume that there is no job that virgins could do that a ravished virgin could not. But a moment's thought will reveal that this is wrong -- and, thus, demonstrate the true insidiousness of the Liberals Dastardly Plot.
One tempting but false hypothesis is that we have been hoarding virgins to try to compete for the loyalty of those who blow up planes and buildings in the expectation that doing so will earn them 72 of them. If we offer each of these gentlemen, say, 83 virgins, perhaps we could outbid them and get them to stand down. But, tempting as this plan is, a little thought will show that it has only a slight chance of success. After all, rumor has it that the countries these men are coming from are themselves filled with virgins. Now, while there is apparently a limit of 4 imposed in those countries -- presumably due to shortages -- still, it raises the troubling possibility that these warriors insist upon non-corporeal, heavenly virgins. So clearly the "outbid" strategy can't be the purpose of our secret store of virgins which the Liberal Advance Troops have so deviously ruined.
But what else, you cry, can a virgin do that a non-virgin cannot?
Why, the answer is obvious: feed dragons.
Dragons, as is well known, feast only upon virgins. Without a steady supply of virgins to devour, most dragons get listless and cranky, and will often refuse to fly at all, much less fight.
There can be no other explanation. Given Dr. Grabar's information that we are hoarding a secret store of virgins for use in the War on Terror, we can clearly deduce that we also have an advanced fighter wing of virgin-devouring dragons to use to protect the skies of America.
But! But! If the Advance Troops get in and ravish the secret store of virgins, then the advanced fighter wing of virgin-devouring dragons will, clearly, have nothing at all to eat.
And an army, as was famously said, marches -- or, in this case, flies -- on its stomach.
So, yes, my Noble Readers: the advanced fighter wing of virgin-devouring dragons -- known, according to anonymous sources, as the "Cheney Wing" -- which are our only defense against the Enemy in this terrible war -- are being deprived of its food source by the terrible hoards of Advance Troops coming in and rendering that food unfit for dragonian consumption.
A more dastardly and unpatriotic act is hard to imagine.
Dr. Grabar has sounded the alarm, and what can any patriotic American do but answer? Defend our secret store of virgins! Preserve the crucial fuel of the advanced fighter wing of virgin-devouring dragons! Act now, before it is too late!!
For -- terrifying as it is to contemplate -- if the Virgins are Ravished... the Terrorists Will Have Won.
* Yes, I said "Dr. Grabar". She apparently has a Ph.D. in English Literature from the University of Georgia. It certainly puts the notion of "silently calculate the measure by which your university, by conferring your degree, has cheapened the value of doctoral work across the globe," which I was just talking about the other day, in a new light, doesn't it.