1) Scheme to Vindicate Ralph Nader's Historical Reputation by Proving the Uselessness of 2-Party System
2) Decided to Run On "Hopelessness" Just For a Change of Pace -- heck, *anyone* can get elected on "Hope".
3) William Kristol Is Remote Controlling Obama By Use of a Voodoo Doll
4) They sent him a toe. (You want a toe? I'll get you a toe. Hell, I can get you a toe by 3:00 this afternoon, with nail polish.)
5) Choosing political strategy via drunken "pin the tail on the donkey" game always good for a few laughs
6) Onion hacked NYT site again
7) On payroll of the "Palin '12" campaign.
8) Someone told Obama today was opposite day. Or maybe April 1.
9) Obama was vamped sometime in February 2009. (Anyone seen him in daylight recently?)
10) Democrats learned in 1967 that, worried about the declining power of evil, Satan has decided to directly destroy the nation in the event of another genuinely liberal Democratic administration, and have been heroically shooting themselves in the gonads ever since as a secret act of patriotism.
11) A cowardice virus has been released in the Democratic National Headquarters, which is spread to all Democratic candidates, and which sooner or later overcomes the immune system of even the most progressive elected officials.
12) Obama doesn't like being President and is looking for a face-saving way to quit after four years, not eight
Note: "Count-to-ten" functionality for this post provided by the Democratic National Committee.
Update: Breaking! New possible explanation revealed!